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ReBlog:Mr. Bation? Does anyone know about Mr. Bation?

I found this blog I posted in Sept 2013, and IT IS STILL RELEVANT.


So who here masturbates? I count one, two, a bajillion hands. Ok good. Now, who feels kinda guilty and ashamed when they do it? I count one, two, a million hands. Ugh, that’s terrible. Come on guys, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s a very very natural action. Everyone does, so why shouldn’t you? (And before you protest, yes, EVERYONE does it. Don’t believe me? Here, I’ll prove it.)

Let’s run down the list of who masturbates, why, and when. Follow me, will you, as we discuss masturbation.

  1. Kids masturbate. ZOMG, how could you ever say that about sweet, innocent, little girls and boys?? You are going to hell, you heathen! Devil worshipper! [This, btw, is exactly how I envision a conversation between M. Suck-mann and I would happen.] Whoa, don’t get your panties stuck up your crack, let me explain. For children, touching themselves feels good. That’s all, end of story. That’s why they do it. They don’t fantasize, they don’t have gay thoughts about men-on-men orgies, they don’t get ‘turned on’. They know it feels good, and they don’t think anything about it. That is, until their parents rain holy hell down on them, which results in shame and guilt about it. Instead of teaching them the difference between personal and public behavior, they yell and panic, which in turn, panics the child. Chill out. Children are the id, in human form. They want pleasure, therefore they act.

  2. In the Land of Duh, teens masturbate.

I don’t really think this is worth discussing more because this is clearly not news. We all know teenage boys do it. How many more movies do I have to sit through with this as the butt of the joke?? But do teenage girls do it? Let me share with you a recent study, the first study to document the masturbation habits of teens. It does seem like girls don’t masturbate as much as boys, but they definitely make some strides to catch up as they get older.

So clearly, lots of teens are masturbating. Have a healthy conversation (or at least give them a book or something!) about it, letting them know that it’s ok to explore their sexuality through masturbation. Although it’s linked to other sexual activity, don’t be alarmed. It’s still your responsibility as the parent to talk to them about the risks that come with sexploration with others. Remind them that satisfying their urgesalone comes with way fewer consequences than satisfying themselves with a partner; do STDs, jealousy, pregnancy ring any bells?

3. Adults masturbate. Duh. Moving on.

4. Senior citizens masturbate. Oh gross, don’t tell me that! I gotta tell you, I’d better be sexually satisfied when I’m old. Otherwise, I don’t think I’m going to be that happy about my grandchildren’s accomplishments, or anything really…

So their parts may not work as well as when they were younger. They may need more assistance getting the engines revved, maybe some extra lubrication to grease the wheels or Viagra to make the ride last longer. Have I used enough train metaphors? I think I have, I think I have, I think I have.

I don’t think anything I’ve written about here is earth-shattering news to anyone reading. Multiple studies show the many benefits of self-pleasure, both physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. So you say you don’t masturbate? Well, I say to you LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE! [Clears throat] Sorry, I don’t know where that came from. I just meant to say that many people don’t admit to it because it’s so closely linked with feelings of shame and guilt. Most of that is religiously based, which is sad, because as I’ve stated before, for women, we have our own pleasure button built into our bodies that has nothing to do with reproducing. It stands to reason that if God made our bodies,…

The best relationship you have should be with yourself first, then with a partner. You should know yourself and how you work before anyone else gets a chance to learn it. And take solace in the fact that most everyone you know does it or seriously wants to. In the words of Cyndi Lauper, She Bop. He Bop. We Bop.

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